


No. 712

by flipflop_diva



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Good Place Reboot, Humor, POV Eleanor Shellstrop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28146429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: This time, Michael has a foolproof plan.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	No. 712

**Author's Note:**

  * For [punch_kicker15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/punch_kicker15/gifts).



**Reset 712**

_“We’ve tried everything, Michael. We’ve hit the end. We’re done.” Vicki crossed her arms and scowled at him._

_“No! We haven’t! There must be some combination we’ve never tried! Something we haven’t done.”_

_“Ughh,” Vicky said. “Fine. Match her and Jason as soulmates. Whatever.”_

_“Her and_ Jason _!” Michael looked outraged. “That’s ridiculous! That’s illogical!” His eyes suddenly grew wide. “That’s genius! Utterly genius!”_

_“It’s … what?” Vicky stared at him in confusion._

_“If they’re together and they_ know _they’re the bad seeds, they won’t have a reason to involve anyone else! It’s brilliant! Yes, this is definitely the one that’s going to work. Now, everyone, to your places. On three …”_

-

“Eleanor, you’re in The Good Place.”

“Oh,” she said. “Cool, cool.”

-

She took it in as they walked. The town — her eternal town, she supposed. Wow, that was hard to get used to — was bright and colorful. It almost hurt her eyes. But there seemed to be a lot of dive bars. Or what one would consider dive bars.

Heaven on Earth, Beers Up, Two of a Bottle … All with neon signs in their windows and popcorn machines and pool tables and karaoke bars. Except their doors were wide open, and the people inside looked like they were dressed for church and not a rowdy night out.

“There are a lot of … bars,” she remarked to Michael.

“Oh, yes! In our research, we discovered humans love to drink and let loose.”

“Can’t argue with you there.”

“And here, in The Good Place, to make it better, you can’t get those pesky hangovers that humans always complain about!”

“Ohhhh!” Eleanor looked longingly at one the bars. “That’s very kind,” she said, trying not to seem too excited. Should she be too excited? It didn’t seem a very Good Place kind of thing to be.

“Isn’t it?” Michael said. “We have spared no detail making this place perfect!”

-

“Eleanor, this is your house.”

Eleanor frowned. House seemed to be an overstatement honestly. It looked more like an oversized hut. And it seemed to literally be made of grass.

“Oh,” she said.

“It’s almost an exact replica of the place you stayed for three years during your outreach trip to Cambodia!”

“My what …?” Eleanor stopped quickly. Her outreach trip to Cambodia? What was happening? “Right,” she said, noticing Michael looking at her peculiarly. “That. It was a particularly remarkable time.”

“How could it not be? You helped develop the breakthrough toward curing cancer there!”

“Huh. I did now, huh?”

“You sure did!”

-

“Eleanor, this is your soulmate, Jianyu. Jianyu is a monk who has taken a vow of silence and has not spoken since his fifth birthday. He has agreed to continue that vow here.”

The man — the monk — bowed to her. He was dressed how she had always seen monks dressed.

“Cool, cool,” she said. “Bring it in, man.”

She stretched out her arms to hug him. Jianyu grabbed her tightly, almost too tightly. 

Huh. Weird.

Michael was talking. “It’s a perfect algorithm,” he said. “It matches the compatibility of two people from every single person in the world past and present. And it says you two are the real deal.”

“That’s … great,” Eleanor said, forcing a smile.

“Isn’t it?”

-

“Dude. I know you can’t talk or whatever and that’s great, because that means I can tell you anything I want to tell you and you can never repeat it to anyone anywhere, and you have to keep my secret. But also you’re my soulmate so you have to stand by me and be with me no matter what as well. It’s the rules.”

Jianyu the monk nodded at her. He was sitting on the floor, maybe doing some weird sort of praying pose or something. Whatever. She couldn’t keep this a secret anymore.

“I,” she said to him with great emphasis. “Am not supposed to be here.” The words flew out of her mouth, and it was almost like a great weight had been lifted. “I’m not. This Eleanor person they think is me is _not me_. That’s my name, but none of the stuff they think I did I did! I think there was some heavenly switch up, but I’m not supposed to be here!”

Jianyu stared at her in silence. She waited for him to nod.

He exploded. “Me too!” he shouted. “And I don’t even know what’s going on! I’m not a monk. I’m from Florida!”

Eleanor’s mouth fell open. She stared.

-

“Chidi? Hi, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop. Janet suggested I speak to you. Can you keep a secret?”

The guy looked up from his pile of paperwork. “Uhhhhh,” he said.

Eleanor sat down. “It’s gotta be some ethical thing or something right that you don’t tell people’s secrets or whatever.”

“Ummm, it can be.”

“Great, then you’re going to love this!”

-

“I like Tahani,” Jason said over dinner, if one could call potato chips and onion rings dinner. Oh, what the heck, of course one could!

Eleanor wrinkled her nose. “That super fake rich girl?”

“She’s nice!”

“She thinks you’re a monk who doesn’t talk.”

“But she’s nice. She’s always giving me stuff. We should invite her to class.”

“Are you insane? We can’t invite her to class! No one can know about class.”

“I like her, though.”

Eleanor sighed.

-

Eleanor stared around at what was happening — Tahani screaming that they were having illicit classes and deserved to be punished, Chidi stammering and adjusting his glasses and trying to explain that he had no choice, Jason trying to blow up little pieces of paper with a lighter that Janet had given him, and Michael and Trevor and the judge watching them, ready to decide their fate, and wait …

None of this made sense. None of this was in any way good. None of this had ever been good.

“Holy forking shirtballs!” Her hands flew to her head as she suddenly realized what she had been missing. Everyone turned to her. “This isn’t The Good Place! This is _The Bad Place!_ ”

“Fork!” Michael shouted. “Fork, fork, fork.”

He shook his head. “Who has an idea for seven thirteen?”

_Snap._


End file.
